Journey (End, Part 5)

This is the last part for now of this story. For those who read it, please spread it if you can. For those who have comments or enjoyed it, I would love feedback. If you missed Part 4, click here. If you would like to read from the beginning with Part 1, click here.

The plan and design of Allah is one of mystery and wisdom that no human could ever completely comprehend. Some nights, the both of us would sit in awe at the series of events that led us to love one another so deeply, yet come to love Allah even more deeply. Each of us felt the other as a mercy for her. I gave her love and close companionship at a time where she felt she needed it most, when she questioned life and the worth of living. While she provided me with a physical reminder of Allah, kept me grounded in my resolve, and emotionally supported me in a way that was permitted by the boundaries of this world. By that, I mean the rules that were set for this world by the One who created and governs it. How could I possibly dare to arrogantly cross those bounds, making my own rules, while He continues to sustain me, protect me, and guide me. After I met Malaika, I was able to practice discipline in both mind and body.

In Islam, we believe that Allah makes our tests easy for us when we struggle for His sake, and when he grants that ease depends on his ultimate wisdom and discretion. There is amazing strength that can be gained in trusting the will of Allah. And to love for the sake of Allah is the ultimate form of love. We sacrificed one another in this life in exchange for a life together in the next, where time does not end and boundaries no longer exist. With that thought in mind, we imagine a first kiss that would taste so sweet in paradise that any kiss in this life would be too bitter to enjoy. The guilt-free love that we could enjoy in those promised gardens will be worth waiting through the brief moments on this earth. So, as much as I wanted her to be mine and she wanted me to be hers, we were content with the thought of just having each other to whatever extent Allah allowed.

Allah must always be a part of the equation. If we forget Allah, we invite the whisperings of Shaytan and shirk the blessings given to us. To imagine losing this happiness and peace that I feel in my heart is tortuous. So at night, I will sit after I pray and I’ll look into my hands and ask Allah…

Ya, Allah keep me as a goodness in her life and keep her as a goodness in mine.

Ya, Allah if I ever become a source of evil in her life, then take her away from me. And if she ever becomes a source of evil in my life, then take me away from her.

Ya, Allah make us content with whatever you will for us. You created us, You sustain us, and You know what is best for us. Keep our intentions pure. Protect us from Shaytan, from ourselves, and from the diseases of the heart.

Ya Allah, I love her, I love her so much. And she loves me. But we love You more, ya Allah, and we struggle for Your sake. Keep us alive in faith, and give us death in faith. And do not take us from this world until you are pleased with us please. Ameen.

This is my du’a, my prayer, for now and always. As we grow older, I believe it will become easier, InshaAllah. I do plan to get married and raise a family, bi-idhnillah (with the permission of Allah). And if Malaika should choose to as well, I will love her children like my own and show her husband respect and acknowledgement. Of course, I will also have my expectations of him and be fiercely protective of her. I don’t think I would be able to control that part. But her love is so vast and powerful, it would be selfish of me to demand all of it. I know where my place lies in her heart as she knows hers and I have no fear of losing her. Although, it has only been two years, I feel as if our love cannot be broken or forgotten. This love was not born from worldly desire or expectations nor will it be bound by it. If it is meant to be broken, it will only be so by the will of Allah. As long as she is in my life, I will love her for the sake of Allah and ask nothing more of her.

As dear friends, soulmates, companions in this world who understand the struggle of the LGBTQ Muslim community, we want to eventually help those who have no support. Perhaps that is another reason we were given this test. I have seen the darker side of the coin and only briefly witnessed the paths that it someone could be led down before some sense knocked me in the head. For much of that time, I was alone without any support from friends or family because no one knew what I was going through. However, for those who are fighting and feel alone, it doesn’t have to be that way. There are those who want to help, I promise. Perhaps one day inshaAllah, Allah can help me be a source of guidance for those who want to understand, who want to seek the truth, and those who just need a place to voice their concerns and frustrations.

As for the future, only God knows. It will always be uncertain, but it does not have to be scary or foreboding. The story has yet to go on and I am optimistic, Alhumdulillah. Because life was never about finding love. At least, not the love that everyone dreams about. The love I was given was a mercy and a blessing  and an expression of love in itself. For no one could have given me this incredible source of mercy except The One who knows me best and has always cared for me. And that is none other than Allah. Do what you have the power to do, and then trust in Allah. And Malaika taught me that more than anyone. I always tell myself this life is brief and I can be patient through it. For the reward that is promised to those who are patient is undoubtedly beautiful and limitless.

My journey would not have been and is not the same without asking for constant guidance and forgiveness. We should always pray for guidance so that we never lose sight of the truth. Knowing there is much more than just this world, I can gladly wait for her. Because happily ever after is only until death, and I don’t want that. I would rather have death unite us than feel its cold hands pry us apart because what I want is Happily ever Akhira.

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