This is the initial post to a series of posts that will be coming up in the near future, talking about my journey as a Muslim struggling with sexuality and faith. Please revisit to read the next parts to come. Feel free to comment because I love to have a good discussion.
When it happened, I wasn’t looking for it. I was unaware that it was even happening. In fact, neither of us were looking for it or even knew what we wanted – then again, who ever does. My feelings took the shape of something unfamiliar. Being with her was enough to tell me something incredibly new about myself – loving a girl was something I could do. I soon realized, whether they were my friends or secret crushes, I loved the women in my life, fiercely. And it never really came as a huge shock or adjustment for me. It was as if some part of me knew all along and the rest was finally catching up. Many times before, I wondered how such a thing could happen to a person. It doesn’t happen, though. You just feel and life moves forward.
By the time I entered college, long after the girl who I thought was my soulmate and I were through, I tried to figure out what I wanted and what would make me happy in life. Never did the thought of spending my life with her seem strange, in fact, I would absolutely smile at the thought. But love is never enough in life, no matter what anyone says. Because life is not about finding love. Still, it was not the heartbreak that was particularly shattering for me. It was the idea that I could never be with a person that I truly love because that person will always be a woman. But as with many painful moments in life, you can never believe it when people tell you it will get better, but it does and it did. There was something incredibly relieving about discovering myself in light of a far bigger picture.
It served as a constant reminder to myself of the nature of this life we are living. There is nothing permanent about our lives, despite the efforts of many who would like us to forget that. Growing up with Islam though, I had a strong belief system to support me. It was what helped me come to my current resolve: life is a balance between my desires and the worship and submission towards the One who created me. But I could not have come to this realization without first giving myself time to figure out who I am. If anyone were to know just one thing about me, it is that I am very firmly rooted into my religion, Alhumdulillah. And this struggle that was given to me as my personal test in this world had only brought me closer to those beliefs. Never was there a moment where I considered leaving or reforming those beliefs for the sake of my own desires.